your body

I love your body for its soft skin and smoothness,
for its responsiveness, because it's you.
I like looking at you--I could stare and stare.
Your form is pleasing to the eye.
I like your thinness and the beauty of your limbs,
which are so thin but strong.
I like your beautiful hands and your long, thick hair.
Those were the first two things I allowed myself to admire about your body.
I like your feet with their vulnerability.
I like your vibrant cock with its strange combination of vulnerability and strength.
I like your balls which smell so delicious.
I'm in love with your tummy.
I like its subtle shape and touching it.
I like your gorgeous rounded, sexy ass.
I like your head, where your brain lives.
I like your face, with its sweet expressions,
your beautiful mouth, your sensitive tongue that pleases me.
I like your eyes and their depth, the better to see me with.
I like your delicate ears which so surprised me.
I like your honest chest with its beloved heart and lungs.
I like your compassionate shoulders.
I like your generous and good hands.
I like your alive and gentle hands.

four fantasies

We saw friends and then were deciding what to do.  I don't remember option one, but option two was going to bed.  "Whatever would we do there?" I asked.

"I'm sure we could think of something," he said.

We chose bed.  I lay on my back with my shirt and bra off.  I had a buckwehat hull pillow on my chest between my breasts.  I told him I liked the weight of it.  He said he could be the weight.  So he moved the pillow to my vulva and climbed on top of me.  We kissed.

Then he was lying to the side of me, touching my cunt through my clothes.  I liked the way he rubbed me there, when he hit just the right spot.  I liked when he would suddenly pat me.

And I was touching his cock.  I kept licking my hand to put more spit on him.  He was beautiful and good in my hand.

"I want to tell you what I think about when we're kissing and when you're touching me, but I'm scared," I said.

"Mm hm," he said.

"Tell me I don't have to be scared to tell you anything," I said.

"You don't have to be scared to tell me anything," he said.

Slowly I began to tell him, with lots of pauses and excited fear.  "I would like..."

"Mm hm?" he said.

"For us to listen to pornography while we make out," I said.  I like porn's sounds.  I like to imagine other people's sounds in the room.  I imagined him imagining it.  I haven't seen or heard any porn in months, quite a long time.

"Mm hm," he said.

"And sometime when we have sex all day, I would like to suck your cock while you look at pornography," I said.  "I really want that.  On a day where we have sex all day, not the first couple times you come, but later."  I have wanted to have sex all day for quite a while.  He says when I get back from New York we'll have sex all day.

"Do you like my fantasies?" I asked.

"I do," he said.  His cock was hard in my hand.  Those were the easy two.  I got nervous again.

"I have this other fantasy, not a very detailed one," I said, "where I come home and you're fucking N."

"What am I doing to her?" he asked.

"Oh, she's lying on her back, and you're fucking her enthusiastically." I said.

"You weren't expecting it?" he asked.

"No," I said.

"How do you feel about it?" he asked.

I thought for a minute.  "I'm not sure," I said.

"And we tell you to join us?" he asked.

I laughed.  "I join you," I said.

"Does N go down on you?" he asked.

"No," I said.  "I don't trust anyone to go down on me but you."  I guess it's my fantasy and I could trust her in my fantasy, but I don't.

We talked about how I would join them.  "Would you go down on her while I fucked you?" he asked.

"Sure," I said, imagining it.

"Would you like to taste her on my cock after I've been fucking her?" he asked.

"Yes," I said.

"How do you think she'd taste?" he asked.

"Good," I said.  "Probably like me.  Oh, that feels good," I said.  This whole time he had been touching my cunt through my clothes, and I was so aroused.

Then I told him this other fantasy that I have that I'm not going to recount to you, dear reader, because it's about someone I'm afraid might read this blog one day, and I don't want to upset her.

Then I moved my hand under my clothes, and again the wetness there amazed me.  My clitoris was slick.  "Would you do me a favor," I asked, "and fuck my mouth?"

"Yes," he said.  As I masturbated, he fucked my mouth.  The head of his cock went deeper than usual, and I liked the angle.  He started making small sounds then pulled out and knelt by my head, masturbating over my face.

"Can I come?" he asked.

"Just a minute," I said.  I masturbated more quickly and started making small sounds.  Then I came joyfully as he came on my face.  Some of his semen was on my chin, and some dripped onto the bed.  Later I found a little in my hair.

He got a tea towel from the laundry basket and gently wiped my face.  He offered it to me so I could wipe my hand.  Then we cuddled and talked and fell asleep, the hall light still on.

exactly what I wanted

I never told you about what happened a week ago when I asked him to fuck me as I said no.  Our safeword was "safeword" and I didn't need to use it.  He entered me and rode me beautifully.

"No," I said quietly.  He didn't respond but kept fucking me as if I hadn't said anything.

"No," I said again.  Again he didn't respond and continued with what he was doing.

Then I said his name and, "No," more urgently.  Again he kept fucking me, with growing intensity, and I was so turned on.  I wanted this so badly.

"No," I pleaded again.  He fucked me harder and then stopped.  I felt his semen pumping out of his cock and into me, into the condom.  I was so happy I had gotten exactly what I wanted.

Then last night we kissed and kissed.  He was naked and on top of me.  He's thin and didn't hurt me.  His arms are strong.

I asked him, "Will you do me a sexual favor?"

"Yes," he said, without asking what it was.

"Will you lick my nipples?" I asked.

He moved his head down from my mouth to my left breast.  I felt his tongue on me.  I loved the feeling.  He worked on my left breast then my right, back and forth.

"That has an effect on my cunt," I said.

"What does it feel like?" he asked.

"I think I can feel the blood rushing to my cunt," I said.  "It's a warm feeling, and I really like it.  There's also an ache."

I watched him licking me.  He looked so beautiful.  "That feels so good," I said, over and over again.  I could see his gorgeous tongue.  I liked his willingness and his careful attention.

"Do you like to masturbate for a long time or just a short time?" I asked.  I had only seem him masturbate for a short time.

"Both," he said.  "How about you?"

"Me too--both," I said.  Then I asked for something I had wanted.  "Do you think we could masturbate and come at the same time?"

"Yes," he said.

I masturbated while he licked my nipples.  Then I heard the rhythmic sound of his hand moving on his cock.  "I like the way that sounds," I said.  My right hand was in my shorts as I rubbed my clitoris.

"I want to see," I told him.  He moved to his knees and was on my left side.  I watched him masturbate.

I was almost coming, amazed at my wetness.  That long session of kissing had had an effect on me too.  I continued to masturbate, keeping myself at the edge as I tried to gauge how close he was.

Then I was making small sounds, and he looked so beautiful and happy.  I knew he was about to come, and I brought myself there.  I felt his semen spurting out onto my belly, and I rubbed my clitoris harder, allowing myself to come.  We looked into one another's eyes.

sucking his cock

He was lying on his back, and I was going down on him.  We were both naked.  He had two pillows under his hips.  I was intending to ride him, but I thought I'd suck his cock first.  But he seemed to be really liking what I was doing.  He made small happy sounds.

For weeks I had been going down on him--since the beginning.  I love his cock in my mouth.  I like its beautiful shapes and its generous size.  I like how easily he gets an erection.  I like its sensitivity and eagerness, its honesty.  His cock seems straightforward and like it has nothing to hide.

For weeks I'd been going down on him, but he always warned me when he was about to come and I'd stop.  I had fantasized about him coming in my mouth.  "You know how you can want something that you're not actually going to have?" I asked.  "I really want you to come in my mouth."

What about this was scaring me?  I was afraid of choking on his semen?  I was afraid of not being in control?  I was afraid of not liking it?

But as I sucked his cock, I realized it was time.  He said, "I'm going to come," and I continued going down on him, taking him deep into my mouth so the head of his cock was at the beginning of my throat.

"I'm going to come," he said, and he did.  I was surprised even though I had expected it.  Suddenly his warm semen was pumping into my mouth.  I slowed down and enjoyed his sounds and feeling the sensations of what was happening in my mouth.  I liked the way he moved.  I could feel everything.

I imagined his come in my mouth--I imagined it there, alive and good.  I considered swallowing and didn't.  I spit it into my shirt and smiled at him.  He looked very happy.

I was very happy too--I felt something important had happened between us.  I felt like we had broken through to another level of trust.  And I imagined our lives together, seeing the future indefinitely, of me sucking his cock.

licking me

I want to tell you about when I finally came on his tongue.  He's been going down on me for weeks.  Previously, I was very shy about being gone down upon.  It felt like the most vulnerable thing I could do with someone.  And I didn't like it.

But once he asked, "I wonder how you taste fresh out of the shower?" and I shyly let him taste.

So he went down on me a good handful of times, and I did like it--I did like how it felt, those slow figure eights, and up and down, and side to side, quicker, hard, so gentle it almost tickled...

But I knew I wouldn't come.  Once I was close, and it just didn't happen.

But a few days ago, he was licking me.  I lay relaxed on my back.  He was between my legs, doing with his tongue the things he likes to do, and I felt the need growing within me.  He seemed insistent, like he knew it was going to happen this time--assertive, almost aggressive.  I was very curious.

I think I hadn't come on his tongue before because I wouldn't let myself relax.  Maybe I just didn't know him well enough?  Well, that can't be true because I remember a long time ago--the summer I was 16--coming on the tongue of a near-stranger.  That was 19 years ago.  And I fell in love with that man, that night, on the ground beside the tennis courts at the summer art school where he was an actor and I was a writer, both of us a long way from home.

But I was already quite in love with this M, anarchist boyfriend.  And as I lay there on my back in our bedroom--the bedroom we had shared for less than two weeks--we'd had our first at-home sex there, so comfortable and finally, finally safe, not worrying about his roommate's footsteps on the stairs, not furtive--I finally relaxed.

Sex can be about tension, maintaining an intensity, but it feels good to relax in the middle of it, to relax emotionally.

So he was doing his intent work on my clitoris, insistent, and I let go.  It went on for a long time, and I admired his drive.

Then I could tell I was probably going to come.  Then I could tell I was going to come.  I felt a little scared, but it was going to happen.  I think my sounds indicated that I was going to come--he knew, and he responded with enthusiasm, heartened.

Then I was coming on his tongue.  It was amazing, and it was too much.  I wanted him to back off but not stop, but I had no way of communicating that.  I reached down to my cunt and pressed my labia together with my fingers.  His enthusiasm was undeterred.  I was overcome with emotion.

He eventually stopped and brought his face to mine for kisses.  I was ecstatic.  I was so, so happy that we finally did it.  I was beaming.

He seemed glad but not like anything remarkable had happened.  I was confused.  I wanted him to be as happy as I was.

"Do you remember the other day when I finally came on your tongue?" I just asked him.  "How did you feel?"

He's naked in the bedroom, with boxes--we're still moving.  "Really, really happy," he said.

"Do you remember I thought you weren't really happy?" I asked.  "Why do you think I thought that?"

"I don't think it was something I said," he told me.  "I think it was something about my expression?"

I thought about this.  For our whole relationship, I have been so comforted by his touch, and words are secondary.  In two weeks I'm leaving on a trip, and we'll only have the phone.  I don't know how I'll survive because when we talk on the phone, it's like he's a different person.  It doesn't even feel like him.

I remember a long time ago, when we were on our trip and everything was new, I was so worried things between us weren't okay, but when he held my hand, everything was okay.  We circumvented language.

I'm getting sleepy, and I think I'll end here.  I just wanted to tell you it finally happened, and my heart is open to him.

grapefruit

Oh, we had a fight.  He got really angry in the kitchen, and I got scared.  I cried and cried as he was in the bedroom napping or using the computer or both.  I had had a visceral reaction to his anger, something about when I was a kid.  I hid my reaction because I thought I needed to.

So I got stuck, unable to move forward or back.  I drank water and stared out the window as I cried.  I tried to cry quietly because I didn't want to upset him more.  This doesn't actually make sense.  I was getting confused again.

But eventually we talked, and he comforted me.  I told most of the truth about what scared me.  Later, as we drove home from the garden in my truck, I told more of the truth: how I had been afraid for the future.  If my problems weren't compatible with his problems.  How often would he do this, and could I live like that?

So we went to the garden after we got gas.  I planted a large basil while he dumped compost.  And we came home and I regular blogged and took a shower and we ate dinner of leftover rice & lentils.

"Can I juice your grapefruit?" I asked.  The grapefruit had been around a while.

"How would you do that?" he asked.

"I would squeeze it!" I said.  But he wanted the grapefruit to eat out of hand.  "Can I peel it for you?" I asked.  So I peeled it and ate two segments--they were delicious.

Then he wanted chocolate coffee ice cream, but I didn't want to walk to the co-op.  "Actually, I'm feeling a little amorous?" I said.

"Oh, never mind, then," he said.  We stood up together, and I pushed him against the door.  We kissed.  Then he turned me around and pushed me up against the door.  He held my arms up, held me by the wrists the way he knows I like.  We kissed.

Then he had to pee, and I saw him in the bathroom.  He sat on the seat with his cock between his legs, and I wanted to watch, but he didn't seem to be going.  "I need to drink more water," he said.

"Can I get you water?" I asked.  So I got him water and let him pee in peace.

In the bedroom, I told him I wanted to lie down and for him to lick my nipples for a long time.  He said he could do that.

He licked and touched my nipples, and it felt so good.  My right hand automatically went to my cunt.  He was on my left.  I explored myself.  Yes, it was very wet there.  Yes, my clitoris was large.

"I'm thinking about you putting a condom on your fingers and sticking them in my ass," I said.  He seemed to consider that.  I enjoyed the idea.

"I'm also thinking about having sex with you and N at the same time," I said.

"Tell me about it," he said.

"I'm afraid of hurting your feelings," I said.

"No, you're not," he said.  "I mean, I hear you're afraid, but you don't need to be."

"Okay," I said.  I explained how I wanted her to touch my breasts the way he was touching my breasts as he fucked me selfishly.

"That turns you on, doesn't it?" he asked.

"Absolutely," I said.

I explained how I wanted him to stick his cock up inside me then inside her, one then the other and back again.  I explained how I wanted her to suck his cock while I watched.  I explained how I wanted to go down on her while he fucked me from behind.

"I love you," I said.

"Tell her that," he said.

"I love you, N," I said.  For years I have been fantasizing about being in bed with her, and I have masturbated while begging her for her body in my mind for years.

I moved his hand to my cunt.  I made him touch me the way I touch myself.  He brought me to the edge, and I didn't want to come yet.  I stopped him.  Again I made him take me to the edge and stopped him.  I had my arms around him, and I caressed his body in a dreamy way.  Then finally, I did let him make me come.  I grabbed him as the waves of pleasure hit me, one after another.  The feelings were so real.

As I regained myself, I held my hand to my nose.  "The smell of the grapefruit is mixed up with mine, and it smells really good!" I said.  I held my hand to his nose so he could smell it too.

I had never felt so close to him.  "I feel like I can tell you anything," I said later.

"You can," he said.  And he said he was sorry for getting angry earlier.  I smiled.

He pet my hair, and like usual, I asked him to tell me I'm a very, very, very good girl.  He did.  I asked him to tell me he likes the way I suck his cock.  He did.  I asked him to tell me, "I approve of you."  He validated me.

post-sex questions

nest:  Do you remember the day you rode your bike to meet me at the park?  Did you know I wanted you to fuck me then?

boyfriend:  I think I knew.

nest:  I remember how badly I wanted to hug you.

boyfriend:  I think I went home and masturbated, thinking about hugging you.

***

nest:  When did you believe we would become lovers?

boyfriend:  When we went on the trip together, I thought we would become lovers.

nest:  You're smart.  You're very smart.  I didn't know.

***

nest:  I have a question, but it's a tricky question because I'm not sure what I want the answer to be.

boyfriend:  Okay.

nest:  That night I said I wanted to get lost, and we did get lost, did you get lost on purpose?

boyfriend:  Yeah--I had an idea of where we were going.

nest:  Oh!

boyfriend:  What do you think of them apples?

nest:  They're shiny and delicious-looking.

***

nest:  Do you remember when I called you the night you sent me that long email saying you wanted to step in front of light rail?

boyfriend:  Yes.

nest:  You didn't want to talk to me very long.

boyfriend:  I loved you already.

nest:  I loved you too.  I was just thinking that.

no surprise

They say you only want what you don't have.  But I have you and I want you.

what I say to you in my mind

I love you.
I want you.
I would give anything to feel you up inside me.
I would give anything to feel you fucking me.
Please give yourself to me.
I've wanted you for so long.
I've loved you for so long.

what I like about sucking your cock

I like nuzzling your balls with my nose. It's loving.
I like the way you smell.
I like kissing your cock up and down.
I like licking you.
I like taking just the head of your cock in my mouth.
I like taking it all the way.
I like gagging on you and when the tears run down my face.
I like sucking.
I like changing the angle of my approach.
I like feeling my lips around the base of your cock.
I like listening to your breathing change and to the sounds you make, when you make sounds.
I like when your cock gets very big and trying to predict when you'll come.
I like tasting your pre-come and feeling its slickness.
I like when my breasts graze your balls.
I like looking up at you and holding onto your sides or your ass, touching your chest as I suck.
I like making you come.
I like the way you look, when you come.
I like your body and how it fits with mine.
I like your cock in my mouth as if that's its natural habitat.