joyful girl

Oh, we fought again.  I don't even want to talk about the content here.  I was upset and too upset.  I was doing laundry and had an excuse to get up and leave at one point.  Then I was crying in the kitchen, not wanting to engage him, while at the same time wanting him to come find me.

He did come find me.  And eventually it was late at night--the fight lasted so long.  I cried and he cried.

So that was a week ago?  Things got totally better.  But last night we were at a pizza place and it got sort of reactivated.  We were having this beautiful time, and we were making out in the booth--he said all was right with the world, and I whispered into his ear, "No, all is not right with the world--your cock isn't in my mouth," like having his cock in my mouth was the most important thing in the world to me.  Our evening was sexually charged and I wanted to eat the pizza with him and go home and have sex with him.

But then he mentioned this thing I don't want to mention here and I was so turned off.  I felt like it was insensitive for him to mention this thing when we were working toward something.  I felt like we were on a date, and it wasn't the thing to mention on a date, not if you wanted to get laid, and I deeply wanted us to get laid.

So at first I tried to act like nothing was wrong because I hate myself for being so sensitive and easy to hurt.  But it really doesn't work.  I'm learning to speak up so we can work past it as quickly as possible.

As we walked to the truck, I told him how I felt, and he was sad, but he seemed to understand.  We were driving home, and I didn't want to go home.  "Can we not go home?" I asked.  He said maybe we could go to the park--it was still light.  It's summer.

So we sat in the truck, talking more, and the late afternoon light shone through.  It was beautiful.  Everything felt so real.  We spoke of our love.

"Do you like me enough to marry me, but you just don't want to get married ever again?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Because I like you enough to marry you," he said.

"Aw--you're so sweet," I said.  My heart overflowed with his kindness.

"So maybe we should just act like it," he said.

"You mean, be pretend married?" I asked.

"Will you be mine?" he asked.

"I already am," I said.  "That's what I mean when I say I'm yours."

"I'm yours too," he said.  We were cuddling, which is hard to do because the seats aren't so close, and all this talk of love made my clitoris alert.

So then we went home and cuddled more in bed and had amazing sex even though we had already had sex earlier in the day.  I was lying next to him, close to him, telling him my fantasies.

"I want you to be standing up, and I would be kneeling and looking up at you.  You would hold onto the back of my head and make me take your cock deeper into my mouth.  You would tell me how to suck your cock, using imperative sentences."  I imagined his hands on the back of my head and him telling me to suck his cock.  I imagined gagging on it and getting off on his greed.

Then somehow it was happening--he wasn't standing up, but we were lying together--it was late at night--and I was going down on him, with his hands on the back of my head.  It felt so, so sexy.  I had wanted this for so long.

First I was kissing his cock.  I was nuzzling his balls too.  Then he told me to put my tongue at the tip of his cock, to push my tongue into his urethra, which I did.  He made happy sounds.  He told me to swirl my tongue around the head of his cock, which I did.  He loved it and told me so.

Then he told me to take his cock all the way into my mouth.  I did so, and he groaned.  He moved my mouth up and down the shaft of his cock, very deeply, just a small amount in and out, almost all the way in.  We moved together in this way.

Then he warmed me that he was going to come.  I was excited.  I was sucking and knew it would be a small amount of semen because he'd come just a few hours before, and I knew I was going to swallow it.  I was secretly delighted with this knowledge.  He continued to fuck my mouth, and he was gasping and moaning.  Then he stopped, and I felt his cock spasm with come as he ejaculated.  He came at the beginning of my throat, and I swallowed joyfully.  Then I gave him a big smile and we kissed and cuddled.

Afterward, we talked about it.  He said he liked playing with the edge, how much holding my head was okay.  I said that turned me on too.  "Did you like it when I swallowed your come?" I asked.

He said he did, but he didn't want to say so because he wanted to make sure that was what I wanted.  Months ago I specified that I don't swallow, so I was breaking my own rule.

I had never felt so close to him.  I was thrumming with happiness.  We were thrumming with happiness together.

the best

We were in bed a few days ago.  We were lying on our backs, and he was touching my cunt.  I would get close to coming then ask him to stop.  He touched me just the way I wanted to be touched.

"You're the sexiest man alive," I told him.

"I've loved you for a long time.  I've wanted you for a long time," he told me.  Those are some of my favorite things to hear.

He would touch me until I almost came then stopped when I asked him to.  "What if I don't stop?" he asked.

He would touch me for only a few seconds before I was about to come, and finally I said, "I'm going to come."

He lovingly touched me, and I was crying out for him.  Then I was coming, and it hit me like a powerful force.  The waves of pleasure flowed through my body.  He was pushing on my clitoris, not moving.  Then he slowly moved his finger on my clitoris again.

Another wave of pleasure hit me.  It felt like I was coming again.  I cried out.  Again he was pushing on my clitoris, still, and then he moved his finger again.

Another wave of pleasure hit me.  I cried out louder, shocked that I was coming a third time.  Again he was pushing on my clitoris, and then he moved his finger again.

The fourth wave of pleasure hit me.  Again I cried out.  I really couldn't believe what he'd done to me.  I had never felt anything quite like this.

And that's how I had the most satisfying orgasm of my life.

when he surprised me

We were in the shower, and he said, "My penis is dirty.  Why don't you wash it?"

sacred

We went on a three day trip and didn't have sex the whole time.  We were sleeping in a friend's living room.  We were exhausted each night and cuddled each morning.

We got back to town yesterday evening and immediately went to the community garden where we have a garden plot to water.  I picked cherry tomatoes.  Anarchist boyfriend took over watering for me and we stood there holding hands.  I was so tired from the six hour drive home.  He asked me a question, and I was too delirious to think of an answer.  "I don't care," I said.  "I only care about one thing.  You and me in bed."

He liked that idea and turned off the water hurriedly.  He drove us home.  "I'm going to take a shower," I said.

"Can I take a shower with you?" he asked.

We stood together in the shower.  He washed my back, his soapy hands sliding over me.  I washed my body and got nice and clean.  He got hard and I held his cock for a moment.

In bed we kissed.  "How are you feeling?" he asked me, and I listed him a list.  I remember "amorous" was on the list, and when I asked him how he was feeling, he said, "Amorous for you."  We kissed more.  He had his hair down and looked entirely sexy above me.

"Who in this family wants to go down on the other person?" I asked.  We both said "me," but if I go down on him then he can't go down on me if we kiss--we're really cautious about fertility.  I wanted to go down on him, but he wanted to go down on me.  He won.  Or I won.  He was going to go down on me first.

I scooted back on the bed so he could be comfortable.  He held my legs.  His tongue was on my clitoris.  He licked and licked.  I trust him more.  I felt his tongue on me pushing hard.  I made small sounds and felt more and more pleasure.  But I didn't want to come that way--I wanted to come with him inside me.  But I couldn't ask him to stop--it felt so good.  "If you keep doing that, I'm going to come," I told him.

"Mm hmm," he said, and his tongue's motions intensified.

Soon I felt the feelings growing inside me.  I accepted the inevitability.  I gave myself to him, and at the moment that I went over the edge, I made a loud cry.  Part of my mind was aware that it was loud, but I didn't care.  I just wanted to feel the way I was feeling in that moment and hear the sound from my throat.

He kept licking me as I kept coming.  I felt my head rise up off the pillow and back down again as the orgasm continued.  I was conscious of that happening a few times as I was a being of complete pleasure.

Then his licks became more gentle and slowed.  He wiped my cunt's juices off his face on a washcloth and lay down beside me.  We kissed and caressed one another.

Then I pushed him away and went down on him.  His cock was responsive, and I loved the sounds he made.  I was afraid of him coming in my mouth because of the quantity of semen I expected.  Maybe he sensed my hesitation when he said, "I better get inside you."

He was on his knees as I lay back.  He put on a condom.  My legs were up in the air but bent as he slid himself all the way into me.  I made a different from usual sound as the pain and pleasure were together.  With every thrust it hurt and felt like exactly what I wanted at the same time.  He felt large and so real and vibrant inside me.

His motions were small, and his cock was in me so deeply.  I wanted him to come so badly, and I knew it would happen.  He made unusual sounds too as he made his slight thrusts, and the sounds got more impassioned until finally he stopped moving, all the way inside me, and I felt the semen flow through his cock and into me--I felt his cock's spasms.

I felt validated.  He stayed inside me like that.  I felt we had experienced a sacred union.  No matter what happened in the future, and no matter what happened in the past, nothing could change that.

This morning we had sex again.  He asked me, "Did it hurt last night, when I went inside you so deeply?"

I explained how it had hurt and how I wanted that.

"What did it feel like?" he asked and said something about not having a vagina.

"It felt like my guts needed to move to make room for you," I said.  It was more than that, though.  Like being entered by something too large but deliciously too large.

an email

Good morning!  I finally devoured the materials you sent.  They were awesome.  Thank you!  Last night anarchist boyfriend and I looked at the pictures and videos.  Just now I finished with all the text.  I can't decide what I like best--maybe the text.  If you have more, I'd love that.  I want to tell you my favorite, but I can't decide.  I really like the story about S.  Maybe that's my favorite.  I enjoyed most a moment of boundary crossing, or agreement breaking, or something like that.  Yesterday I read most of the stuff while anarchist boyfriend was outside shoveling dirt.  I missed him powerfully and wandered outside where we kissed.  He asked how dirty his face was.  "Not dirty," I said, touching his face.  Then I touched his chest and sides and found myself touching the top of his pants as if I would slip my fingers under them.  Later we had sex where I kept telling him to stop so I wouldn't come.  His fingers were on me, and he brought me to the edge again and again.  I wanted to come with his cock up inside me, something that we had never done before.  That ended up not happening, though we were deliciously close.  Anyway, that was afternoon and we had sex again last night, and maybe I should be blogging about all this.

repair

I realized that the way I feel about him is the way I feel when I look at beautiful art, an aesthetic experience.  My mind is expanded.  Something crucial inside is nourished.  Something inside is repaired.  I feel more whole again.  I thought it was only art that made me feel this way, but it's him too.